Speedy Willie

Thinking About a Speedy Willie Scholarship Fund

First, we're going to need some seed money. Once we have enough money for seeds, we'll plant them and grow a crop. The first harvest probably won't be enough to start a scholarship fund, but after a couple of years of tending to the land, we'll surely have enough money to fund our endevour.

Rules

1. Students must fall in the 90th - 80th percentile of their graduating class.

2. Students must intend to work at a bar on campus to introduce us to the waitresses, and get us cheap drinks when we visit.

3. For male students: must have a conservative haircut. No faux-hawks. Female students are encouraged to wear their hair at least shoulder length.

4. Students should intend to major in a practical area of study. No English majors and such.

5. Students should be at least 6'1" for men or 5'9" for woment.

6. Students should have participated in a varsity high school sport, bench-riders preferred.

7. No weird piercings.

8. Students should provide a 2,000 word essay that summarizes their applicable attributes.

This is all we've come up with so far.

Fake Player Bio: Frank Omiyale

Frank Omiyale is in his 7th year in the NFL and goes by the nickname "Ankles" by his friends & family.

Born in Whites Creek, TN, an industrial town that has underwent significant changes after NASCAR, Inc, the cities largest employer, closed their doors in 1983. Most of the displaced workers made ends meet at the county flea market selling tire jacks at incredible mark-ups. But that's a story for another time.

Ankles grew up living with both parents and six sisters in a sprawling ranch on the outskirts of town. Having known the game of football from an early age, he was taught the game by his maternal grandfather who was a star in the early years of professional football: the Barnstorming 1930's. Omiyale's first love was HAM radio, but he was recruited to the football team by a coach with an eye for talent. Coach Ricky originally wanted Ankles to play back-up quarterback, but he found his home senior year at offensive guard.

Omiyale was offered a scholarship at college football powerhouse, Oklahoma State University, but wound up at Tennessee Tech after learning their low frequency radio program was ranked towards the top of such lists. Junior year Ankles completed a project that allowed him to send extremely low frequency communications to submarines at the bottom of the sea, leading to a brief obsession with prank calling Russian Typhoon class subs.

Currently, Omiyale is working for a variety of poorly choosen charitable causes, primarily the Numberwang Society. Off season camps and community events have raised over $40,000 for children that have a hard time with numbers.

2011 is shaping up to be a breakout season for Omiyale, as he's recently been physically cleared to resume football activity after offseason Otolaryngologic surgery. It's expected that recovery is complete, and will result in quicker reaction time when it counts.

Fake Player Bio: Sam Hurd

Sam Hurd is in his 6th year in the NFL and goes by the nickname "Thundering" by his friends & family.

Born in San Antonio, TX, an industrial town that has underwent significant changes after EL Paso Salsa Companies, LLC, the cities largest employer, closed their doors in 1983. Most of the displaced workers made ends meet at the county flea market selling empty jars at incredible mark-ups. But that's a story for another time.

Thundering grew up living with both parents and six sisters in a geodesic dome home on the outskirts of town. Having known the game of football from an early age, he was taught the game by his maternal grandfather who was a star in the early years of professional football: the Barnstorming 1930's. Hurd's first love was mountain climbing & map making, but he was recruited to the football team by a coach with an eye for talent. Coach Ricky originally wanted Thundering
to play back-up quarterback, but he found his home senior year at wide receiver.

Hurd was offered a scholarship at college football powerhouse, Oklahoma State University, but wound up at Northern Illinois University after falling in love with DeKalb Corn, and having always dreamed of living closer to the land in which it's grown.

Currently, Hurd is working for a variety of poorly choosen charitable causes, primarily The National Association for the Proliferation of Sun Dresses. Off season camps and community events have raised over $40,000 for underpriviledged 20-something girls unable to afford the summer clothing.

2011 is shaping up to be a breakout season for Hurd, as he's recently been physically cleared to resume football activity after offseason Gout repair surgery. It's expected that recovery is complete, and will result in quicker reaction time when it counts.

 

Fake Player Bio: Mario Addison

Mario Addison is in his 1st year in the NFL and goes by the nickname "Luigi" by his friends & family.

Born in Birmingham, AL, an industrial town that has underwent significant changes after MoTown Records, the cities largest employer, closed their doors in 1983. Most of the displaced workers made ends meet at the county flea market selling children's teeth at incredible mark-ups. But that's a story for another time.

Luigi grew up living with both parents and six sisters in a split-duplex on the outskirts of town. Having known the game of football from an early age, he was taught the game by his maternal grandfather who was a star in the early years of professional football: the Barnstorming 1930's. Addison's first love was needlepoint, but he was recruited to the football team by a coach with an eye for talent. Coach Ricky originally wanted Luigi to play back-up quarterback, but he found his home senior year at defensive end.

Addison was offered a scholarship at college football powerhouse, Oklahoma State University, but wound up at Troy University after following his runaway dog there during senior year of high school. Winding up on the Quad in the early morning fog of spring, he not only found his dog, but his home for the next 4 years.

Currently, Addison is working for a variety of poorly choosen charitable causes, primarily The Addison Madison Ithsmus Recovery Program. Off season camps and community events have raised over $40,000 for the geographic features feared to be lost because of global warming.

2011 is shaping up to be a breakout season for Madison as he's recently been physically cleared to resume football activity after offseason Rhinoplastic surgery. It's expected that recovery is complete, and increase airflow will result in fewer cardio issues.

Predicting Wins in the NFL

After reading the book Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell, I spent 10,000 hours studying the results of NFL games over the last 30 years. It became clear after all of this studying, that one may predict the outcome of a season for any given team using the following scientific formuli:

BASELINE.

The baseline is determined using the total number of wins from the previous year and categorizing your team in one of three categories:

12 - 16 Wins - Superbowl Contendor, Baseline for new season: 5 wins

8 - 11 Wins - Playoff-ish, 4 wins

4 - 7 Wins - In Transition, 3 wins

0 - 3 Wins - National Embarrasment, 2 wins

The baseline win total will be used as a starting point to begin our examination of a team's chances. For the purposes of this excersize, we'll use the Chicago Bears 2010 win total of 11, to give us a 4 win baseline.

Offense.

What we're going to be looking at is the difference from the year before, or the rate of change of the offense. We're looking for the number of spots the team could hope to move in the upcoming year. The Chicago Bears were 30th out of 32 teams. In our case, it would be reasonable to expect the Bears to move into the middle part of the league, let's say 16th. That's a change of 14 spots and an improvement of 43.75%. Here's the number of wins you can add or subtract to the baseline using this formula:

Improvement of 0 - 33%: 1 win

Improvement of 34 - 65%: 2 wins

Improvement of 66%+:3 wins

Worse by 0 - 25%: No change

Worse by 26 - 50%: -1 win

Worse by 50%+: -2 wins

Using this, the Chicago bears would add 2 wins to their baseline total to give us 6 wins.

Defense.

The defensive numbers are the same. Using the info above, but applying it to defense we would probably not have a great change to the Chicago Bears number of wins. They were ranked 9th at the end of the 2010 season, and I would expect them only to improve slightly or worsen slightly. Let's add 1 to the total and put us at 7 predicted wins.

Coaching / Special Teams

Because of some rather drastic changes to the rulebook as it applies to special teams this year, we're going to combine the 3rd phase with coaching to give us a general sense of where your team stands. Go ahead and take a minute to rate your coaching staff from 0-3, 3 being excellent. Same for your special teams. Total them up and you'll us the following categories:

0-2 points: -1 win

3-4 points: No change

5-6 points: +1 win

That puts the Chicago Bears at 8 wins for the 2011 season with only one more calculation to make...

Health.

Health represents the greatest unknown for any team's season, and impossible to predict unless you have players injured significantly going into the season, or lose someone early in training camp. There are 25 starters each week (11 for offense/defense and punter, kicker, returner) and most teams can easily absorb between 2 - 5 injuries before being effected. You can get a pretty good idea how prepared a team is to absorb injuries based on what they did last year.

Research says that teams that performed well the year before tend to draft players based on talent and not need as much as teams that performed poorly. Use the breakdown from the very top of the post to determine the number of injuries your team can absorb replacing wins (above) with injuries. The Bears won 11 games, so they should be able to absorb 4 injuries to starters.

This is most useful to keep running track of expectations over the course of the season. As long as your team is below the number (4) then add 2 wins to the total, at the number = 1, and if the number of injured goes above your team's number, start getting nervous. Subtract 1 win once the number of injuries surpasses your teams threshold, and subtract 2 once you've doubled the number.

Finally.

As long as the Bears stay healthy, you can expect them to win 9 or 10 games this season. Speedy Willie scientists have applied this formula (with subtle changes) to every football season since 1983 and have found that only two teams have not adhered: The 1987 LA Chargers (The Flipper Anderson Effect) and the 2005 New Orleans Saints (Katrina Effect.)

Good Luck to one & all!

Speedy Willie Power Rankings 7/21/10

Welcome to the Speedy Willie Power Rankings, a numerical listing of literally a dozen concerns, concepts and contrivances relating to Speedy Willie, the Chicago Bears, or those of us that relate to Speedy Willie or the Chicago Bears.  (Numbers in parenthesis refer to last weeks ratings.) 

1.  Summer (NR) - It's been beautiful lately!

2.  Arnold Palmer beverage by Arizona Company (NR) - Scientifically proven to lower your 18 hole scoring average by 7 strokes in 2 weeks.  

3.  Shazam (NR) - Great way to pick songs for the upcoming season's playlists.

4.  ChicagoBreakingSports.com (NR) - The best place to go for news updates. 

5.  Babies (NR) - Now that everyone you know has babies, how many will be attending Speedy Willie tailgates? 

6.  New Tailgating Guidelines (NR) - Chances are they'll announce some kind of new ridiculousness that we're going to have to deal with for the upcoming season.

7.  Television Plugs (NR) - If I were on TV, I would have definitely mentioned SpeedyWillie.org. 

8.  Preseason Football Rankings (NR) - Bears mostly predicted 3rd or 4th in the NFC North. 

9.  Updating SpeedyWillie.org (NR) - Lets see if there's something to say, huh?

10.  Autumn (NR) - It's been kind of hot lately. 

11.  John Daly Beverage (NR) - Immediate stomach ache.

12.  Speedy Wilile sitting in a 2 food deep puddle all summer (NR) - Lets face it, the difference between this summer and last is that the bus is parked precisely 20 feet to the north of where it was before.  Chances of Speedy Willie starting in 2 weeks:  1%.

Rebirth

August is traditionally a month for reflection, a time for looking back at a year that’s just past its apex and taking stock of all those spring flowerings and the wild flings of summer before readying yourself for the sobering duties of fall. For some, these memories are tinged with a pleasant wistfulness, maybe even a hint of regret that we can’t extend this glorious idleness forever and spend the next few months watching championship caliper football. 

There is no doubt that August is a month, traditional or otherwise.  There is some doubt that the Bears of Chicago are capable of playing championship caliber football.  The week one preseason game versus the no-huddle Buffalo Bills is proof that much work is yet to be done.  On the other hand, it's hard as tacks to tackle a Buffalo*, so our defense deserves a slight pass. 

The point is, if championship football cannot be guaranteed on the field, championship level party making certainly can be.  It's offered to one and all only a couple thousand feet south of the very field that is so impossibly ungauranteeable.

After 7 long months in slumber, Speedy Willie is born anew.  Gone is the dusty afterbirth of warehouse dust, and gone are the slowly deflating Goodyear radials, and gone is the persistent doubt the cast a looming shadow on every trip to the Autozone and Napa Auto Parts outlet. 

This August rebirth brings with it opportunity for greatness (or, at least goodness.)  And with that opportunity we must ask our selves:  Do we stand for goodness, or do we stand for badness?  Or greatness?  O.k., this paragraph has gone off the rails a bit, was that last sentence from Caddyshack?  It was almost like I was writing a poem there for a while, and then the phone rang, and I lost concentration...  Damn. 

To close out this first posting of the 2009 Chicago Bears Wild Card winning season, remember that when the sun bursts from the horizon and sets flame to the morning sky, the sun is the Bears, and the sky is the NFC North, and the horizon is opportunity.  And in another, similarly convoluted way, the sun is Speedy Willie, and the we are the sky, and the horizon is... oh, forget it. 

*Did you know... That's why Buffalo wings are so small?  If they let those damn beasts get any bigger, there'd be no holding 'em down to chop off the wings.

Follow Speedy Willie on Twitter

It's going to be slow going for the next couple of months, but this may be something to pay attention to on home game days. 

In other news, the Bears drafted a series of players that will either be decent or terrible.  Neither the offense nor defense appears to be appreciably better than it was 10 days ago.  But the special teams should be improved. 

That is all.

SpeedyWillie v. "My Official Green Bay Packers Blog"

History's, most colorful ages have been defined by rivalries.  The best examples of this are classics such as the Azteks v. the 4-Runner's, Lincoln v. head wounds, RainX v. liquid precipitation, etc.  You see where I'm going with this.  Rivalries bring out the best in people, organizations and civic movements.  The human race wouldn't have won out against clear skies had it not been for the rivalry between the industrial revolution and nature. 

And with that I introduce you to the newest rivalry of the bunch:  SpeedyWillie.org v. Green-Bay-Packer.com. 

Certainly both parties will have lessons to be learned from the other.  The focus of the two blogs seem to be fundamentally different, ours looking closer at the events surrounding the game, and MOGBPB looking at the goings on on the field and league-wide.  Regarless,  things should heat up quickly with the Bear heading north for the 1st game of the season.  

I suggest everyone check out our new rival, and maybe MOGBPB will share with us they're obvious advertising / marketing savvy.  I'm working on igniting other friendly relationships with Vikings & Lions blogs, so we'll see if we can get something going throughout the NFC North. 

Best of wishes to everyone!

Speedy Willie Schedule Released

After months of waiting, we've arrived at the annual April tradition; the announcement of the 2009-2010 Speedy Willie Tailgate Schedule, presented by Speedy Willie and Speedy Willie Tailgate Productions, Inc.*  Please find below the tentative schedule and associated events for each of the 10 home games:

Pre-season:

Saturday 8/22/09 v. Giants 7:00 p.m. - Dominic's birthday Tailgate-a-bration
Thursday 9/03/09 v. Browns 7:00 p.m. - Final tune-up, 1st Anniversary Speedy Willie Reunion

Regular Season:

Sunday 9/20/09 v. Steelers 3:15 p.m. - Ladie's Night
Sunday 10/04/09 v. Lions 12:00 p.m. - Christopher's birthday Tailgate-a-bration
Sunday 11/01/09 v. Browns 12:00 p.m. - Jerome's birthday Tailgate-a-bration
Sunday 11/08/09 v. Cardinals 12:00 p.m. - Feast of the Blessed Elizabeth of the Trinity
Sunday 11/22/09 v. Eagles 7:20 p.m. - Formal Tailgate / Dance (evening wear preferred.)
Sunday 12/06/09 v. Rams 12:00 p.m. - Sweatpants-a-palooza
Sunday 12/13/09 v. Packers 12:00 p.m. - Italian Sausage v. Bratwurst Cookoff
Monday 12/28/09 v. Vikings 7:30 p.m. - Winter Weather Fashion Show (Sponsorship offers now being accepted.)

The above listed events are pending approval of the full membership committee, final invitations will be mailed no less than 10 business days before event**. 

*Incorporation pending.  And when I say pending, I mean we haven't submitted any paperwork.  I have mailed a piece of notebook paper to myself, and that post-marked envelope sits unopened inside a dusty hutchdesk.  What is on the notebook paper you ask?  The first draft of the articles of incorporation for Speedy Willie Tailgate Productions, Inc.  But that's none of your business.

**Coverage and offer not available everywhere. Call for locations. Ends 1/10/10. Excludes taxes and service plan charges. May require two-year agreement, up to $36 activation fee, up to $200 early termination fee, credit approval and deposit. Additional terms and restrictions apply.